Simon Amstell talks about coming out

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Coming Out Simon Amstell's view Why do it? Are you ready? Who first? Do's and don'ts Family Friends Relationships Meeting People Sex Bullying Information for parents Youth Groups Links

'I sat down and told my parents, they both said they already knew. My mum found out the number of a local youth group and I have been going every week since' Simon Amstell on coming out Award-winning comedian Simon Amstell - who presented TV series Never Mind the Buzzcocks and Popworld and co-wrote and starred in sitcom Grandma's House - talked to YGM about how he dealt with coming out, sexual health and sex. YGM: When did you first realise you were gay? Simon Amstell (SA): It was around puberty that I realised but I only came out when I was 20. YGM: Who was the first person you told? SA: I had just got back from Miami where I had a 'finding myself'-type holiday and then I told my brother and my mother. She was quite shocked funnily enough. She's cool now but it took her a really long time to come to terms with it. My brothers and sister didn't really care but my father still has issues which we are working on. YGM: How did your friends react? SA: My friends were alright, in fact I didn't bother coming out to them, I just brought my first boyfriend along to a night out. There was no issue which was nice because I didn't want to make a big statement and I didn't want it to be the only thing people focussed on. YGM: What were your experiences at school like? SA: It was alright, I can't remember ever being bullied, I was still very much in denial – thinking that I could just throw away Attitude magazine and I wouldn't be gay anymore. I never for one minute thought that I would come out at school, even if I had been completely sure that I was gay I wouldn't have. I guess the problem with schools used to be Section 28 which stopped anyone mentioning sexuality. I was aware of gay teachers in my school – I don't know how - I guess the gossip just got passed down from year to year. The only time there was any mention of sexuality at school was when a theatre group came in and did a play about various youth issues and there was one gay character. YGM: What were your first impressions of the gay scene? SA: Well because it had been so long, [London gay club] Heaven was indeed heaven! I thought the scene was brilliant. I could be myself and you see all sorts of different people like drag queens wandering around. Now I find it quite nice to go to mixed places, I think 'gay' should be related to 'cool'. YGM: When was your first gay experience? SA: About a year before I went to Miami I got the Eurostar to Paris. I thought I could find a gay club there. So I snogged a guy in a club hoping that would end my confusion. Was I just sexually attracted to men, or was it more about the scariness of being attracted to men that made it more intense than being attracted to women? I could look at girls and think they were pretty but that was it. After Paris I didn't do anything about it for about a year. I was working at Nickelodeon at the time and just thought it was a cliché to be another gay kids TV presenter. I went to Miami when I was working at Popworld. I met a guy at a gay club and ended up going back to his place and that was it. He became my first boyfriend - I was with him for a year and he taught me everything about being gay. I think once I felt really confident and happy I didn't really need him anymore but he was great and I was very lucky to have him as my first boyfriend. YGM: What was your understanding around sexual health back then? SA: Well he was really good about that and let me know about condoms, otherwise at that point I could probably have been talked into anything. But now sexual health is so important, I went for my first sexual health check-up after I broke up with him. Even though I had no reason to worry about anything it was still a relief, at least I got it out of the way. YGM: So you have had positive experiences of being in a relationship. What are the positives of being in a relationship and of being single? SA: After I broke up with my first boyfriend I thought: ‘Hey I am single now,’ and so I went a bit crazy for about a year. After a while I thought: ‘Actually I want a boyfriend,' then had a few relationships that didn't last very long. Now I'm really not interested in one-night stands at all - dates for me are just better. It's nice to know someone before the morning after, there is nothing worse than waking up with someone and realising you don't like them! YGM: The entertainment industry has a reputation for being quite popular with gay men as a career choice. Do you find that? SA: The truth is when I worked at Nickelodean I was the only person in that studio at that point who was out, although a few people came out after I left. I thought that once I left school and got into the media, everyone would be gay and it would be fine but that wasn’t the case, which was really quite odd. I thought it would be a complete contrast to school. When I started Popworld I hadn't really accepted my sexuality myself. It was always awkward to come out even though it was at the time when the whole world was turning gay. Graham Norton was the most powerful comedian on TV, Brian Dowling had won Big Brother – it seemed silly for me to be panicking about it – the whole world loved the homos! YGM: It's so different now with people like Will Young and Brian Dowling who have become so popular, the nation voted for them to win huge competitions because they liked them. SA: That was a very symbolic thing. YGM: Do you ever see yourself settling down and doing the whole civil partnership/gay wedding thing? SA: Even before I came out, I had never been into the idea of marriage, never seen it as a thing to aspire to really. It's a good excuse for a party though! YGM: Last question. Why do you think there aren't more gay men out in the public eye? SA: I guess because the people in charge of their careers are just too worried about the reaction. I hate the fact that people in the public eye are out in their private lives but restrain themselves when talking publicly. Once you have come to terms with it yourself there should be no reason why you can't be open about it in everyday life. If only everyone knew how many male celebrities were pretending to like ladies! This article was last reviewed on: 27/10/11 Date due for next review: 27/10/13

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